Joel Jessup

I've fallen down a well

2010-10-12T15:23:00.000-07:00

Actually I'm on holiday right now, but it's pretty much the same thing. Just wanted to say hello to anyone who came here from John A's link, Once I'm back I plan to update more regularly so watch this space. Frequently. I've also got a comic strip project of my own in development. Brace your brain.
Oh and welcome! You seem lovely.

8-Bit Pwny Club 4

2010-08-20T01:17:00.000-07:00

And with impeccable timing here's the latest episode. We've really pushed out the boat on this one. Where else can you get quality dialogue like 'Shooty shooty bang bang!'

8-Bit Pwny Club

2010-08-11T13:40:00.000-07:00

I've been writing an online computer game review-show where game characters review other games. Or something. It's proving strangely popular, on 'The You Tube', perhaps you'd like to check it out. I wouldn't recommend you read the comments though. They're complimentary, they're just a bit mental.

Episode 1- Toilets

Episode 2-Dodgy Power-ups

Episode 3- Review of the Decade.

Bonus Stage: Expanded Shrooms song from Episode 2

Wait, I have a blog?

2010-08-11T13:17:00.000-07:00

Apparently I do. Sorry for the temporary loss of service, I'm going to try to post more than three times a year from now on. Next up, a series of update posts, then maybe some reviews or links or Being Human fan fiction or something.

Three Unconventional Superheroes Beginning With G

2010-06-09T10:13:00.000-07:00

1) The Gifter

A billionaire, he finds out what the supervillain wants to get out of their evil scheme (jewels, fancy cars etc) and buys it for them beforehand, thus robbing them of motivation.

2) The Gentrifier.
He encourages middle-class couples to move to dilapidated industrial areas, leading to all the surrounding buildings being converted to blocks of up-market flats and wine-bars. No longer able to use an abandoned factory as their base, the supervillain quits.

3) The Gooseberry
He befriends supervillains in their civilian lives, and then makes sure he's always there when they're out with their girl/boyfriend. The subsequent strain on their relationship causes them to break up, the supervillain becomes too depressed to do evil.

The UK Web and Mini Comix Thing 2009: Pre Mortem

2009-03-26T04:12:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in my previous message I'll have a table at the The Thing. My previous involvement was helping out Mr. Weebl on his table but this year he's not in residence, and I have a table of my own with Mr. Gould and Mr. Allen Smith. Other people I like who will be there are Mr. Allison , Ms. Beaton , Mr. Langridge , Mr. Turner ,Ms. Greenfield , Mr. Rouse-Dean and Young Master Graham.
I like the diverse, scrappy nature of the Thing, which is well named in that it's not quite a festival, convention or village fete, but has its own cheeky charm. Serious profit is not really a consideration and personally I'd be pleased if I sell more than one copy of our comic, Cruel Gossip's Natural Disaster Fun Book. We'll also be selling my sister's fantastic Sugar Skull badges, which will probably do a lot better than my product and drive a wedge between us for all time.
It's really a chance to meet fans and like-minded creators, as well as coming into contact with creators who don't share your mindset at all and are a bit weird and scary. A lot of the tables sell crafty items made from Fimo or burnt matchsticks or whatever is found underneath the sofa, and that just makes it all the more interesting. Additionally this is going to be my first Thing where I can't have caffeine, so that will give the day an entirely new perspective, one that will possibly be me unconscious under the table by 12:30.
Anyway, I highly recommend it. See you there. Or not, if you don't attend.

What's going on?

2009-03-07T13:33:00.000-08:00

Here's my current work update. I'm sure you're all thrilled.
On CBBC at the moment is the second half of the Pinky and Perky series, weekdays at 5:45. I wrote 9 episodes in this chunk and it's turned out fantastically, the animation and voice acting bringing everything to life. Check it out if you get a chance.
They're showing the first half of the series on BBC1 now as well, and between that and the regular Frankenstein's Cat repeats the schedule is just filled with great animation. You're all very lucky.
Other than that I'm developing a few other things I can't really talk about. Some work with the BBC, projects with other companies, and further development on my new novel, more about that coming later on.
Finally I'll be running a table at the UK Web and Mini Comix Thing on Saturday 28th of March, with my accomplice Chris Gould and the very talented Matthew Allen Smith. Please come along if you like to see great art and writing and attractive geeks with cat-ear hats.

Scarily We Roll Along

2008-05-29T02:23:00.000-07:00

Today I have a strip up at http://www.scarygoround.com/! It's a rare honour, and something I couldn't have achieved without my brilliant partner, my 'art-slave', if you will, Chris Gould, whose website is here. He's a talented lad, too talented to work with the likes of me. And yet very soon we will be launching our own, top-secret comic venture on the world! Now if you don't mind I have to go and put a giant poultice on my head to get the swelling down.

Oh, I suppose John Allison had something to do with it too.

More updates very soon about important things, like the fact that I seem to enjoy marmite now, and my failed attempt to repair our garden gnome. Also I got married.

10 Bond Titles Less Likely Than 'Quantum Of Solace'

2008-02-05T15:11:00.000-08:00

1. Firing Blanks

2. The Misogynist Who Loved Me

3. Octovagina

4. Bourne Was Better

5. Bondy Bondy Bondy Jimmy Jimmy James James Boy

6. Cheaper By The Dozen 3

7. Hammertoes

8. Buy These Cars And Watches

9. Michael G Wilson Autumn Project

10. Wint and Kidd Ride Again

Click click click

2007-12-19T14:25:00.000-08:00

For your Christmas amusement: The Space Ghost Christmas Special.

Gets me every time.

NINJAS!

2007-12-11T10:31:00.000-08:00

Update number 4: I've also co-written the Honourable Ninja Farm series of short cartoons on Weebl's Stuff. I put these together with Jonti Picking and the amazingly talented Jennifer Upton and they were animated by the genius creature that is Drewmo. You can see them for yourself, you don't need to read my inadequate textual description of them! Ah, the wonders of this internet thing.

Episode 1 Episode 2 Episode 3

SHRIMP! I mean, PRAWN!

2007-12-11T10:28:00.000-08:00

Update number 3: A recent project for Weebl's Stuff has been the epic picaresque point and click adventure known as Prawn To Be Wild. Thanks to T-Mobile I worked with Jonti, Jen, Phil and Peabo to create what is basically the Count of Monte Cristo with arse jokes. The final part hits this Friday, but here's all the previous chapters:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

PIGS!

2007-12-11T10:19:00.000-08:00

Update number 2: My other big project this year was the recently announced Pinky and Perky comeback series for Lupus Films. Appropriate for the year of the Golden Pig. Any fears about this being a Poochy style 'skateboards and people saying dude' revamp should be disspelled by actually watching the show, which, as with anything script-edited by Alan Gilbey, is funny and filled with well-rendered characters. This won't be seen until the end of 2008 so plenty of time to sell all your possessions and buy a TV so big you can make out every 3D-rendered pore in their beautiful pink faces.

CAT!

2007-12-11T10:06:00.000-08:00

OK, update number 1: Frankenstein's Cat is out of the bag and is apparently going down a storm in France. It's UK debut isn't far away and what I've seen of the show blew my socks off. Seriously. I had to go and get my socks, they had blown a hole in the wall, killed a couple of people. I tend to wear a rather thick argyle weave, and...

Anyway, watch out for the show, I'll probably post more soon...

2007-12-03T06:37:00.000-08:00

Kitted out

2007-04-04T15:06:00.000-07:00

I've already mentioned Kit Whitfield's brilliant novel, Bareback (now available in paperback form, buy early and often) but Kit's blog on her website is actually equally good value. She talks about getting published, about story structure and just about ideas and interests in general. It's always well written, with chunky in depth posts that are both charming and thought provoking.
Makes you sick, doesn't it?

Aaagh! It's The Mr Hell Show on DVD! Sorry for shouting.

2007-04-02T08:54:00.000-07:00

Yes, the whole series is finally available. This show was a total delight to work on and offers a small army of quality gags sticking their hobnailed boots into your brain. I wrote a lot of sketches but my big contribution was all the Serge the Seal of Death stories. There's only so many times you can write 'And then the seal kills everyone with two huge guns' before you start to worry.
Sell your kids and buy a copy. Although when you do sell them you'll probably get more than the cover price of one copy (unless you have really low quality children), so you could use the proceeds to buy one for everyone you know! Or a better car.

And if you have no children, now's the time to think about it, because the market for child trafficking is great, and you never know when the going rate will dip.

...what was I talking about?

Another cartoon

2007-03-29T04:41:00.000-07:00

Frankenstein's Cat- This dead cat swings.

2006-12-01T07:52:00.000-08:00

I'm working on various projects right now but my current hot ticket is Frankenstein's Cat, the new kid's animated series made by Mackinnon and Saunders for the BBC. It's based on the successful series of kid's books by Curtis Jobling, whose blog features Bob the Builder versions of Hellboy characters. That in itself would have made the project worth working on, but I came onboard based on the sharp character designs and the cuddly writing team, headed by multi-award stealing script-neurologist Alan Gilbey.
I'm working on a couple of episodes and some other top-secret content, but I'll keep you informed as to when I can let more of the cat out of the bag. Let's just say you'll never look at cheesecake the same way again...

Nanowrimo Day Sev... Oh, wait, hang on...

2006-12-01T07:45:00.000-08:00

Yep, I didn't make 50,000 words. And yet, I still like to think that I've won Nanowrimo.
OK, not in the literal, actual sense that I have a big shiny certificate saying 'Joel Jessup, winner', but in the much less tangible, slightly self-deluding sense that I have the first 12 chapters of an actual pirate detective novel and am continuing at a regular rate towards completion. The draft has some nice set-pieces, chunks of distinguishable character, and a couple of twists I definitely didn't pre-plan. Congratulations, however, to everyone who did take part and hit 50,000.
The main reason I didn't hit that rate, other than seemingly developing a higher caffeine tolerance than before, is detailed in my next post.

Day 6- Gunpowder, treason and plot holes

2006-11-06T08:42:00.000-08:00

As you may notice I'm not quite on course yet. This is just a blip and you'll soon see my work pick up as my characters get their teeth into the plot. A totally unexpected and entertaining character has suddenly emerged from an incidental detail and threatens to unseat one of my main characters and I have to decide whether to dial down his personality or just kill him outright. I think I'll go for the third option...
Incidentally, I contribute another explosive Weebl's Stuff article here. Feel free to go ooh and ah. But don't return to it after you've read it.

Day 1- Pirate Music

2006-11-01T16:58:00.000-08:00

Off to a cracking start! Didn't make 2000 words but I'm pleased with my haul.
I'm going to listen to music while I write but am not confining my soundtrack entirely to shanties and the sound of people dying from scurvy. I'm adding some classical music from the period (which also has plot significance), Tom Waits' Rain Dogs for some crusty colour, and Ultralounge's Mondo Exotica album because sometimes pirates drank cocktails. Or at least they do in my book.

Day -1

2006-10-31T10:42:00.000-08:00

So close to the start now. Characters and ideas jostle in my head like restless horses waiting for the starter's pistol. So do terrible analogies, as that last sentence reveals...
The main characters have been sketched out in advance, along with the 4 islands that the story takes place in, and the mystery at the centre has enough detail to keep it coherent all the way through. Everything else lingers temptingly in the distance.
The cunning device to the left tracks my daily word count, so please monitor it and shout either encouragement or awed congratulations where appropriate,please. I'm aiming to get at least 2000 words a day, which is both easier and more difficult than it sounds, if that makes any sense. Which it doesn't.
Happy Halloween, by the way. I was planning to dress up as a haggard zombie, clinging on to life with yellowed uncut fingernails, but there's plenty of time for that in the last few days of November...

Nanowrimo 2006- Scramasax Island

2006-10-26T05:56:00.000-07:00

National Novel Writing Month is an annual event that takes place every November. Nationally. For... a month. Participants write a 50,000 word novel (technically a novella, let's not split hairs) in a month, winning nothing but a warm glow and a crippling caffeine addiction. Website here.
In 2002 I took part in and completed the event with my half-baked sci-fi epic Knowhow.
In 2004 I competed again with my exciting Conspiracy thriller The Gingerbread Grail! I did not win. Largely because I didn't plan enough.
Now, in 2006, I'm preparing to take place once again and finally write my long-planned Pirate Detective story, Scramasax Island! It's been kicking around in my head for a while, and this is a chance to get it out in one concentrated blast of creativity.
You'll be able to see my daily word count here:
http://www.nanowrimo.org/simpleinfo.php?uid=132698, and for the duration of November I've pirated up my blog and am going to give regular writing updates as well as posts about creative exercises I'm using and pirate related subjects in general.
Get ready for the 1st of November, and if you want, why not write a novel as well?

The Dahlia Show

2006-10-05T14:12:00.000-07:00

Black Dahlia review
I should probably add the disclaimer that I'm not personally in favour of violence towards women. And I think the film could have been favourably improved by a Holly Johnson musical cameo, ala Body Double.

One-Shot Adventures

2006-09-27T04:09:00.000-07:00

A scrappy little comic for your enjoyment. Click on it to see it at the right size.

Shuffle Reading

2006-09-06T15:13:00.000-07:00

Some forms of divination involve examining entrails, rooting through animal droppings and, most horrifyingly of all, drinking tea. Therefore it's not surprising I would seek a funky new alternative that everyone will be doing in a few weeks, at which point I'll deny I ever came up with it. In the morning take whatever music system you have and whack it on shuffle (if you've got a record player, just juggle a few 45s). The track predicts the events of the day. This morning I got Man Or Astroman's cover of The Jetsons' theme tune, and sure enough I found myself in a thrashy interpretation of a 60s style utopian future, or Costa Coffee, as they like to call it. Try it yourself, as Neil Buchanan used to say.
(I was going to call this post 'Awakening Your Third EyePod' But even I blanched at that pun.)

Detective Show Idea

2006-08-31T09:30:00.000-07:00

The Second-Hand Sense
Don Brissick is a New York homicide cop with a difference... he can communicate with the lead characters of TV series which feature people communicating with the dead! With this valuable second-hand knowledge he can solve crimes, but his strange ability to call people on the phone causes problems in his personal life. Co-starring the leads of Haunted, Tru Calling, Medium, Ghost Whisperer, Rescue Me...

Indiana Jones 4 going ‘Straight-To-Brain’

2006-08-30T12:28:00.000-07:00

The makers of the long awaited ‘Indiana Jones 4’ today announced that rather than being released theatrically, on TV or DVD, it will instead be going ‘Straight-To-Brain’.
“We reasoned that any film we made could never meet up with the expectations of the fans” said Steven Spielberg, director and co-producer of the imaginary film. “So instead we decided we’d just announce its existence and then every fan can enjoy the superior version already existent in their heads.”
Along with the advantages of saving money on actors, special effects and film, this ambitious new method of release means that there is no limit to the film’s content.
“It can be five hours or five minutes long. It can feature young Harrison, old Harrison, Indy as a giant squirrel, whatever.” enthused George Lucas. “ It can transcend all copyright and physical logic. And the beauty part is if we keep the merchandising vague enough, we’ll still make a mint. Damn, wish I’d done this with the Star Wars prequels.”
“My favourite scene is where Indy fights the giant snake monster deep in the heart of the ancient Aztec city.” gabbles Ferdy Grove, a fan. “ At first he’s all like, ‘why’d it have to be a snake’, but then he remembers the advice his Dad gave him before he was killed by the sexy ninjas, and he kills it with the Dagger of Megiddo.”
“I’ve imagined in 10 times already, and I’m going to imagine it again tonight!” yells hardcore Indy fan Robert Talbot. “It’s fantastic how he teams up with Blade, the Predator, and even Han Solo! How’d I come up with this stuff??”

Did you? DID YOU?

2006-08-30T07:59:00.000-07:00

-Did you know Orson Welles was briefly a suspect in the Black Dahlia murder?
-Did you know that 'Whatnot' is the term for a multi-purpose customisable muppet who can be altered to fit sketch or song requirements?
-Did you know Clive Sinclair used Z, X and Q in his product names because they're the least used in the English language?
-Did you know my current profile photograph is in fact Marcello Mastroianni in 'Divorce, Italian Style'?
-Did you know it was my 27th birthday yesterday?
-Did you know that only one of these facts can't be found online?
...
-Did you know that the above is no longer true now that I've written this post?

A brief outburst of doggerel

2006-08-25T06:51:00.000-07:00

Adam and Eve were asked to leave
After The Lord's inspection
It was the first recorded case
Of pastoral ejection.

Not too sure about this one.

2006-08-22T16:13:00.000-07:00

Edinburgh Festival, Proper Day 1

2006-08-17T16:14:00.000-07:00

I write this with one hand, slumped against a wall, my clothes mere tatters of tatters, my bank account has grown eyes so that it may weep.
I have enough flyers to hide Scarborough. I've seen a gecko-man, Brazilian dancing trash-aliens and nuns, and time travellers, and I've charged through the angry rain with a howling child in a bubble. I've eaten in a Quaker Environmentalism cafe and I almost went to see about 10 plays.
I actually saw 2. Well, 1 play and 1 Puppet improv session. More of which, later.

Edinburgh Festival Day 1

2006-08-16T16:08:00.000-07:00

Except not really. I've just arrived tonight and so far have just installed myself on the sofa of the apartment my sister rented. I'm here to see her in an adaptation of Frankenstein, and generally help wrangle her mutant spawn. I'm going to try to offer a bit of my view of Edinburgh, which, to be honest, is either going to be monumentally bizarre or just quite boring. Oh look... wandering people.

A Serge In Popularity

2006-08-15T14:21:00.000-07:00

According to Dave Freedman, 'Aaagh, It's The Mr Hell Show!' is finally coming out on DVD. Um, eventually.
I contributed a huge raft of sketches to the show but my most significant contribution was writing all the episodes of 'Serge The Seal Of Death'.
I don't claim to be the sole author. The writing in the series was done Simpsons style, like all-in Greco-Roman wrestling, but with ideas instead of oiled up sinews. Everyone had a hand in re-writing the material and Dave Freedman and Alan Gilbey oversaw the whole deal. It was immensely fun.
However the first drafts of Serge episodes were invariably written while I was at university, jittery from a diet of just Red Bull and Wheat Crunchies. They were a controlled explosion of creativity, usually starting out as a poison crayon letter to whatever subject I was satirising, but quickly crystallising into a semi-random series of joyful gags. I was influenced by the vindictive surrealism of Milk and Cheese and Sam and Max and while I never created anything as unique or brilliant as those characters I still think Serge was generally pretty funny*. It's also still the first thing I've ever written that was banned.Well, an episode was, for really stupid reasons. But it still helps my sadly dusty bad boy credentials.
I'd love to think that once it's released on DVD the show might reach the audience it deserves (organ transplant patients, Monkhouse fetishists, Icelandics) and Serge will become an icon to, well, hundreds. But at the moment he lives in quiet retirement in his secret arctic hideout.
At the moment.

*Except for that one that I didn't really write.

Weekend Puzzle

2006-08-11T06:53:00.000-07:00

Badger Vs Goat

2006-08-11T06:50:00.000-07:00

Isn't it a lovely one, and just the proper style.

2006-08-09T05:13:00.000-07:00

Another Robotic Hat image, this time from my loveable father, John Jessup. Run! Run from the malevolent Sombrerobot! Fantastic. I'd certainly like a lot more of these sprinkled around the place, so if anyone else would like to send me a picture of a Robotic Hat, please feel free to send one to my email. The best one of this decade will win a big prize! And then they'll all be auctioned for charity. And a certain, high profile film director told me he's looking for new collaborators and will only look at contributions that come in the form of drawings of Robotic Hats.

My creative process

2006-08-08T15:57:00.000-07:00

First I have to get greased up with the liquid from the inside of a magic Eight-ball. It's not as expensive as you'd think as long as you can get a bulk rate. Specially treated goggles and gloves on. Tin-foil in the ears.
Then I have to provoke my brain to meet with me. This has become more difficult in past years as I've exhausted the series of ruses I've used to lure him out, so I now have to offer him points of discussion that genuinely interest him. I then have to engage him on these topics for a couple of hours, however long it takes for him to get his guard down.
Then we wrestle. It's not pretty and it's not for the crowds. We get down on the floor and although he has the size advantage he has no arms or legs so I've got the leverage and I act like I've got all the time in the world. I haven't, but as long as I project that aura I've got the lead on that big pink squishy bushwacker.
When he's finally on his back I tap him. I have to use a 5 foot long titanium needle, rubber-tubed up to a small quantum singularity. The juice of creativity comes out quickly and is trapped by a carefully adjusted mesh so it doesn't shoot down into the wormhole. Then when I've enough to be getting on with I shut down the system, unscrew the cap and pour it into a mould. Straight into the walk-in freezer and I'm done for the day.
Then I knit.

D'Istraction

2006-08-06T15:41:00.000-07:00

D'Israeli the D'Emon D'Raughtsman, one of my favourite artists, has a fascinating blog which details how he's created his recent art, particularly for the sequel to the grimly and grimily enjoyable Scarlet Traces. Although obviously the world and her husband have a blog now, Matt Brooker's (D'Israeli isn't his real name?) is of a consistently good quality, which is more than I can say for the pile of rusted words I dish out here.
A while back I had a copy of D'Israeli's classic D'Adventures Of I.S.R.A.E.L.I., written by Molly Eyre*, but I sent it to a man who was at that time a relative stranger and have no idea if he still has it. D'Israeli's art has a brilliant kind of angular chewy quality, the triangle to Frank Quitely's bouncy circle. He deserves to be as popular as Quitely and you know what? He still might be.

Shiny Pulsating Sitcom Ideas

2006-08-06T11:30:00.000-07:00

Jack and Jack and a further Jack
Three men discover they all have the name Jack. What a coincidence! They kidnap all six of their parents and subject them to physical and psychological torture to discover why this is so. Michael Haneke's sitcom-writing debut.

Pokey pokey pokey
Rather than carefully cultivating irritating mannerisms and character traits in the main character, this show will side step all sophistry by making the main character repeatedly jab people with his forefinger over and over again.

These are all my books and you cannot touch them
A cultured 40 year old man with OCD locks himself in his library and performs monologues to camera about the measures to which he goes to prevent people touching them, interspersed with pie recipes. ABC has commissioned 13 episodes as a mid-season replacement for Grey's Anatomy.

Draw Breadth

2006-08-02T13:31:00.000-07:00

I've always been able to do sketches, visualise characters and settings, draw simple storyboards and designs. But I've never had any formal art training beyond GCSE level. Perspective, proportion, light sourcing, using any material beyond a biro or pencil, these are concepts I'm familiar with, but they're estranged cousins that I accidentally insulted while drunk. Anyway, I've decided to change that, improve my art skills, and in a year's time start my own regular webcomic (that's the gun to my head). I'm going to use all my possible resources, from all the artists I know, to art books, television programmes and a montage sequence or two to speed up the process. I'll keep you all informed as to my progress, and post some examples of my...attempts.

Where did you get that Robotic Hat?

2006-08-01T15:37:00.000-07:00

At the UK Web and Mini Comics Thing I asked Beaver and Steve creator James Turner to do me a sketch of Beaver wearing a Robotic Hat. This is the brilliant result. (If you really like it you can buy his new book here)
When I decided to name this blog I didn't just want to call it 'Joel's Blog' or 'An Animation Writer Writes About Animation Writing and Animation' (although that last one could be acronymised as AAWWAAWAA! which is quite cool). I wanted it to have an individual identity beyond being just my writings, something which could outgrow its inventor, like a mechanised replica of my brain, ready to escape in the night and seek its own fortune in the big city.
A Robotic Hat.

New Ways To Tell Stories

2006-08-01T03:32:00.000-07:00

Just a quick post about The Adventures Of The Little People, a beautifully designed storybook comic that's being posted serially at the Barbelith Underground messageboard. Lovely designs with a bizarrely dystopian theme, like a 2000AD storyline told with jelly sweets. Also check out the creator's slightly scary website.

Character names I will probably not use

2006-07-30T10:55:00.000-07:00

Chad Ampersand
Rod Truculent
Henrietta Spivvens
Deuce Vanders
Ralf Frittata
Toro Apparanata
Dill Viss
Kane Gelatinous
Neville 'Crunchy' Took
Chick Contraflow
John

Kill Doctor Lucky

2006-07-30T10:15:00.000-07:00

In my opinion the best board-games combine an intuitive design and rule-set with enough room for a bit of strategy and psychological sword-fighting. Sadly I tend not to buy them because I don't like to pay £30+ for any kind of game, even for computer or consoles. However when I was in Compendia yesterday I found Kill Doctor Lucky, a brilliant £6 boardgame from Cheapass Games, whose name describes their philosophy but not the game's quality. The company says that Cheapass Games come with the bare essentials: boards, cards, and rulebooks. If you need anything else, we'll tell you. And it's probably something you can scrounge from a game you already own...
To ignore the game's aesthetic debt to Cluedo would be pointless, but it plays at a less sedate pace. Self described as a pre-murder mystery, you have to move round the board trying to corner the perpetually moving Dr. Lucky, then, if no-one's in your sight-line, bump him off with weapons of various values. The other players can then play 'Failure cards' which off-set your weapon's values with random and fluke occurrences that save the old bugger's life.
The game starts with about 5 minutes of confused rule-crunching before suddenly becoming insane chaotic fun, like an Agatha Christie adaptation directed by Tex Avery. It also comes with a larger alternative game-board, rule variations, a director's commentary... The invention and care that's gone into this game is a lovely antidote to the endless cash-in Opoly variations and deluxe Cluedo sets with pieces crafted from Atlantean Osmium. And I think I'm certainly going to be buying a lot more of their products...

Strange Thoughts

2006-07-27T16:16:00.000-07:00

Strange thoughts dance on the surface of my mind all day and much of the night, like fleas feasting off my creative blood-stream.
An example: Have they produced a new 'I Like The Pope, The Pope Smokes Dope' Poster featuring Benedict XVI? If not, why not? Do they feel he doesn't have that same beatific stoned look that John Paul sometimes got? Maybe he has, but they couldn't find a photo where a spliff and smoke could be easily photoshopped in? Or maybe they think Benedict's face is the last thing you'd want to look at if you're likely to be consuming recreational drugs. I wish I had the time to investigate this, or at least the cash to hire private detectives to look into it for me. But I live in the agony of unknowing.

Tracked With Gilt #2

2006-07-26T15:33:00.000-07:00

A track that I associate with my first love:
Charade- Johnny Mercer and Henry Mancini
The theme song from the 1963 film Charade always reminds me of my first love. The only thing that reminds me of her more is actually being with her, which is fairly easy as she's upstairs right now, being not only my first but also my current love.
She introduced me to Charade early in our relationship as it's possibly her favourite film, and it's a suitably witty and stylish Hitchcock parody starring Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn. But I'm writing about the song, which aims to combine the elements the film unites, mystery and romance, style with a certain self-conscious cheesiness. And it's Mancini. I could have named the first track we danced to but I don't remember because I was too distracted. Charade actually means something.

Bareback

2006-07-25T15:50:00.000-07:00

You know how it is, you get drunk with a housemate and you start talking about werewolves. Well I do, anyway. Kit Whitfield was perhaps the first person who took an interest and started talking back. I fished out the kernel of a concept from the back of my mind, where I keep the thousands of other tenth baked concepts that aren’t ready for reality (How about a sitcom set in Janis Joplin’s hair? No?). We fleshed it out and after a huge amount of work (from her, that is) Kit’s debut novel is due to be published. It’s entirely her own creation, and is a brilliantly fur-crawling thriller, a compelling character study, an exciting analysis of the lengths that human-kind will go to deny their own animalistic nature, and, most importantly, has more werewolves than any novel ever written. Check out her website, buy the book, then get me a drink and I’ll tell you this idea I have about flesh-eating mudskippers…

True Story

2006-07-24T14:52:00.000-07:00

I dreamt that I sprained my wrist grabbing for an apricot thrown to me by Armando Iannucci. It was a prize for having had come up with the best new name for Great Britain.
No wait, that actually happened. I was in the audience for the recording of the last 'Charm Offensive'. Having one of my comedy heroes laugh at something I'd written was a feeling as fuzzy as the apricot itself and well worth the 4 days of agonizing twinges. It had some effect on the activity I'm going to talk about in my next post, though*.
It was 'An Audience With Guernsey', by the way.

*Not that activity.

Ideas I Wish I'd Had- Game Edition

2006-07-23T07:10:00.000-07:00

The International House Of Mojo
This already wins huge points for being an excellent resource about classic Lucasarts games and the next generation of point and click adventures. However, the idea I wish I'd had is the page tab on the right side of the header, which flips the page round so you can see the hastily duct-taped back-stage workings of the site, including topical comic strips. Nicely done.

This Spartan Life
This Machinima project is actually a genuine talk show hosted in game-space. It's filmed on a Halo server with both the hosts and guests as player-characters (as well as the camera-men, DJ and, ahem, dancers) and combines surprisingly witty and intelligent conversations with blistering combat as they defend themselves from all the other people on the server who don't know they're filming. This will eventually spawn a raft of inferior imitators. I'm almost tempted to try and host a chat-show here.

Grand Theftendo
Brian Provinciano has decided to adapt GTA 3 into a NES game. Neither Rockstar or Nintendo are licensing him to do so, and it'll only be playable on emulators of the long dead console, unless for some reason you have the equipment to burn it to a cartridge yourself. It's a monumentally geeky unpaid waste of time. Which is why it's right up my alley. Good luck, Mr P.

GTA4 Exclusive fake preview that I made up

2006-07-04T09:48:00.000-07:00

Read the imaginary truth about the new GTA game here.
Yes, it's a batch of terrible lies accompanied by shots that aren't actually from the game, but isn't that a lot more interesting than some glossy Champagne-and-Canapé fuelled puff piece? Well, no, actually.

Cheese and Pineapple For The Ears

2006-06-30T07:28:00.000-07:00

While working my current favourite internet radio station is Luxuria Music. A wide selection of exotic delights await those brave enough to, you know, listen to it. It's nurturing my recently neglected Inner Beachcomber.
That is all.

Great Inventions That Might Almost Work

2006-06-27T15:29:00.000-07:00

1) A car for politicians and celebrities. In the event of a crash it breathalyses the driver and upon receiving a positive result rotates the seats placing the passenger in front of the wheel.

2) The Cut-Off Button. Once set up, a single push sends an email to a lawyer immediately initiating disinheritance proceedings. Great for family holidays! ("Can I have a lick of your ice-cream?" "But you've... OK. Fine.")

3)A button for zebra crossings that actually does increase the chance of the green man arriving with every successive press.

4)Shoes that make Godzilla crashing noises with every step.

5)A gyroscopic hat that gives you perfect balance in all situations. Great while on trains, planes and boats, as well as tightropes, stilts and unicycles. Someone please build this. (Although it turns out someone else thought of this 95 years ago...)

Tracked With Gilt #1

2006-05-31T11:24:00.000-07:00

I hadn't forgotten about this blog. Further, more regular content is coming. As is a competition.
I've decided to comply with Tim's probably long forgotten music-related tag in sections. So here's the first.
A track from my early childhood:
Abracadabra- Steve Miller Band.

This song triggers an immediate reaction from me, and not necessarily an unpleasant one. It's a tiny shard of memory, sitting in the proportionally huge back-seat of my parent's car, travelling through Staines or thereabouts, while listening to this song's crisp neon-on-black sound. And that lyric: Abra, abracadabra, I wanna reach out and grab ya... it spoke to me. And it said "Women are mysterious, magical beings." It also said " 'I wanna reach out and grab ya' is an effective pick-up line." The only other song which I find as evocative to the 80s is 'Don't You Want Me Baby', and that doesn't come with any particular memories, so hopeful lust wins out over bitter emotional puppetry once again.
Incidentally, this photo of the Steve Miller Band seems to have been taken from inside a recycling bin. Nice.

7 things you didn't know about me, unless you did, in which case this title is inaccurate. In fact, it's really 10 things,so the title's wrong anyway

2006-04-25T16:40:00.000-07:00

1) I have a bald patch on my chin.

2)I do a great dolphin impersonation.

3)As a kid one of my favourite films was The Phantom Tollbooth.

4)I was mistakenly credited as co-writing a book with Dick King Smith. I never heard if he was upset or not.

5)I spent three weeks living in Reykjavik working on a kid's puppet show that is now remarkably popular, despite my involvement. I learnt only one Icelandic word while there.

6)As a kid, in an act of supremely middle class violence, I threw a boule at my sister. It missed.

7)I was only supposed to write 6.

As Jemma tagged me, I now tag Dave, Lee, and Tim.
Sorry, Tim, for honouring Jemma's tag before yours, but hers took about 2 minutes to write, whereas yours is not so much a post as a non-fiction novella, from which all traces of wackiness must be ruthlessly scrubbed.

AVOID MISSING JOEL FOR HIGH SCORE

2006-04-23T14:31:00.000-07:00

Still... sick. Almost... well. Must....type...like Shatner...
Coming soon:
-20 songs of my life
-7 facts about me you didn't know
-Early Hanks
-All hail the new resurrectionists
-And more animation commentary
-So there.

Blog In The Bubble

2006-04-10T02:01:00.000-07:00

Just in case you were wondering for any reason why I haven't posted in so long, my excuses are as follows:
1) First I was very busy.
2) Now I am very fluey.
Should be better soon, and then I'll show you. I'll show you all...

Tum te tum te tum te Diddly dah dah

2006-03-24T02:28:00.000-08:00

Apparently the new Star Wars TV series will be about Luke Skywalker's youth.
Correct me if I'm wrong, and I know you will, but I thought the whole point of Luke's life was that up to the first film he was stuck on a crappy desert planet running a farm with his nice but dull Aunt and Uncle.
So it's basically going to be The Archers In Space. "This week, Luke suggests a new crop for the Eastern field, but Uncle Owen remains sceptical about the popularity of Vroonbeans in this quadrant".

Comix Thing Report Coming Soon

2006-03-15T08:54:00.000-08:00

It's Your Thing

2006-03-08T13:02:00.000-08:00

6 reasons why I'm going to the UK Web and Mini Comix Thing this year:

1)I went last year and I dropped a sandwich. I want it back.

2)To see what the more fashionable geeks are wearing this year.

3)Show of support for the lads of Sumo Dojo. They're fragile and need to be wrangled.

4)It's a great chance to see a lot of people sitting at tables in a room. Who gets to do that any more?

5)If you want to meet talented artists before they become too successful or implode and become a Shaolin Monk, this is the place to be.

6)Of all the Things this year, this is the best.

Glasses may not be real.

2006-03-05T12:40:00.000-08:00

Oh look, it's Grandpa. But why's he vibrating his hands at an incredible speed?
No, wait, it's my new nephew...
Unnecessarily frank details here.

Waccusations

2006-02-28T06:04:00.000-08:00

Despite his suggesting that I might be in any way 'wacky', I'm going to recommend Tim Footman's blog Cultural Snow to everyone, not because it's in any way smarter or less self-conscious than mine (although it is) but because he posts a lot more frequently than I do. And that's what counts.

Perry Bible Fellowship

2006-02-28T05:16:00.000-08:00

Berkeley Breathed was inconsiderate enough to make pictures of Opus in a T-shirt difficult to find, so I'm skipping to PBF and may circle back like Death in Final Destination to pick off Opus later.
Gary Larson's Far Side suffered a great deal from syndication and overexposure but it was often very funny. Perry Bible Fellowship is the inheritor of that mantle, at least in terms of intricately executed visual one-liners (OK, three-liners). What PBF adds is beautifully rendered individual art in each one, sometimes creating a note-perfect parody. Despite this it still has a recognisable visual style. There's a lot of care in the creation of each script, so well done, Nicholas Gurewitch's parents.

Porridgebreak

2006-02-25T12:48:00.000-08:00

My friend Helga is allergic to anything set in a prison. There's something about people in scary oppressive situations that sends her running, which is surprising considering that we are friends. She's never The Green Mile or Midnight Express and she can't even watch Die Another Day until she reaches the bit where Bond is shaved and in a suit.
The only things she can bear to watch are Porridge and Prison Break, because they both maintain the same level of realism. In fact, Prison Break makes Porridge look like Oz. No matter how much leeway Fletcher was given, he was never called to the warden's office to help him build a matchstick model of the Taj Mahal for his wife's 40th birthday. He never had the plans of the jail tattooed on his body either, although if he did he could probably have the surrounding few miles on there too, in Ordnance Survey detail.
My favourite character so far is Haywire, the main character's cell-mate for one episode, ostensibly nuts but actually clued into the truth. It's just that the truth is so ear-twistingly absurb that it sounds like the rantings of a rubik's brain. As long as it maintains a 'Series 2 of 24' level of po-faced madness both I and Helga will keep tuning in.

Random Fool

2006-02-24T06:41:00.000-08:00

Borrowing... OK, Ripping off the idea from The Onion's article here, I've decided to put my ipod on shuffle and talk about the first 5 tracks that come up. The idea is that your true music tastes are laid bare on the slab, ready for Grissom to prod and poke. No, wait, come back!
-Click-

Oingo Boingo- Flesh 'N' Blood
In my teens I went through a crisis of confidence and was saved by reading Grant Morrison's Invisibles, which served as a hypertext of possible interesting authors and ideas, even if in retrospect the comic itself was a bit sloppy and incoherent. While reading the Invisibles I listened either to Combustible Edison's 'I, Swinger' or 'Best Of Boingo', from which this classic piece of eighties geek-funk comes.

Kenickie- Spies
Kenickie's songs have this kind of lovely sneer to them, a sneer that doesn't seem nasty or arrogant but endearing and kind of gawky. This track would be in the soundtrack of any Bond movie I produced. The villain? Chevy Chase. The girl? Alicia Witt. The gadget? Laser moustache.

Raymond Scott- Ohio Plus
16 seconds of commercialised bleeps from Electronica pioneer Raymond Scott. This is from a huge album of the work that Scott did in the fifties, jerry-rigging his own electronic musical equipment while surviving on funds from corporations who loved the crisp, high-tech sound that he could give their ads, even if most of them sound like a toad making sweet love to Sputnik.

Beck- Sissyneck
Odelay is still one of my favourite albums, despite lots of other people ruining my fun by liking it too. Beck sews himself a coat made of seemingly disparate pieces of hip-hop, pop rock and country and runs around in it whooping like a clown on fire. Strangely comforting.

Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band-Mickey's Son And Daughter
One of my least favourite Bonzo tracks this, as it's a straight-up music hall clone with little to merit it. So there.

Now you try.

Leap On Mars

2006-02-21T04:21:00.000-08:00

BBC1's Life On Mars, while not exactly setting my brain on fire, has proved itself to be exciting, well written, and surprisingly original in its outlook. The only thing that lets it down is its sub-Casualty opening titles. I can see they were trying to mix a John Barry/Roy Budd style chilled instrumental with a more urgent modern beat but it turned out pretty weak, especially when combined with the excellent selections of music in the episodes themselves.
The real reason for this post? I just wanted to say that last night, when a frustrated Sam Tyler muttered 'Why am I still here?', I thought the camera would pan across to show Dean Stockwell with a cigar consulting Ziggy on his little hand-monitor. Well, hoped.
Wait a minute... did Quantum Leap prefigure the Blackberry?

Criswell Predicts

2006-02-16T17:27:00.000-08:00

Possible headline after the UK public smoking ban is installed:
PUBLIC DISCOVER WITH HORROR WHAT PUBS ACTUALLY SMELL LIKE.

Maakies

2006-02-14T15:09:00.000-08:00

Maakies feels like the fever dream of a child spending their summer holidays in their grandparent's house, terrified of the weird nautical trinkets and stuffed animals. Ostensibly about horrible smelly monkey Uncle Gabby and his insane friend Drinky Crow, this strip has a queasy undercurrent, and a briny smell coming off it. They drink, they sail, often they die. The art is uniquely deranged and often showcases beautifully rendered sea battles. Sometimes I feel the content's a bit needlessly tasteless. But there's nothing else like it right now.
Incidentally, the picture's an atypically modern panel, but I picked it to continue my theme.

Housd

2006-02-14T13:53:00.000-08:00

Ali Graham's Housd is a great cartoon strip, a pop-culture sleigh-ride guided by whatever its creator is currently interested in. It relies rather heavily on the 'throwaway joke becomes plot twist' technique I mentioned, like, 2 posts ago, but the places it goes are usually interesting and worthwhile. Furthermore, it follows Achewood's lead by having one of its characters, Stitch, write a fake blog. This started out fairly innocuous but has become a scathing analysis of usual web-comic tropes.If he wrote this himself and his strip had same problems he criticised, he could be called a big hypocrite. But because it's Stitch he can cut loose.
Also, he's about 12 years old or something.

Tickling the rat of love with the mechanical robo-fingers of sentiment.

2006-02-14T06:08:00.000-08:00

My views on Valentines Day is that those who can celebrate should be free to do so, but as long as you do so behind closed doors, away from the eyes of those it upsets and enrages. Secret ninja love assignations, if you will.
I've been with my girl for over 5 years now and our life is as fun and exciting as ever. Especially since we've taken to travelling around the country solving murders at the weekend.
I love you, honey.
PS The baby in the picture is a rental.

Beaver And Steve

2006-02-13T15:18:00.000-08:00

I'm quite new to Beaver And Steve, having been introduced to it after its friendly creator shared a table at Brighton Comic Expo with Ali Graham. But more on him later.
What can I say? Delicious art, tasty gags, a tiramisu of quality comic-strip. Ness. It's also a masterclass in the often used web-comic technique of turning a throw-away gag into a plot development. There should be a phrase for that.
By the way, a prize to the first person who can tell the link between all the panels I have chosen from my webcomix. It's remarkably obvious, so don't strain yourselves.

Achewood

2006-02-13T10:25:00.000-08:00

I'm going abecedarianally on this one, so as not to make any of the cartoonists jealous.
Achewood's about a group of toy animals, but only in the same sense that Spaced is about two people pretending to be a couple, or Pacman is about a little yellow man with a drug problem. The key is the characters. With their unique speech patterns and sweet eccentric little relationships, it's a testament to their realism that I'm genuinely concerned about the outcome of The Great Outdoor Fight. I started off liking Philippe best( like most early readers, I imagine), but Ray's the man (cat?) for me now.
The art's deceptively simple, but extremely expressive and well composed.
And there's Cartilage Head.

Web-Comic Week

2006-02-13T06:57:00.000-08:00

This week it's my intention to talk endlessly about my favourite web-comics, and maybe finish off with some Gingerbread Grail. Whether any of this happens or not is dependent on a staggering number of factors, including spare time, actual inclination, and whether or not the home-made energy drink I'm brewing in my loft has any effect.
I'm calling it Vermillion Swan.

Saccharine Post And Horrible Picture To Counteract It

2006-02-10T05:04:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to say hello and thanks to my regular readers, especially those who take the time to leave comments. You're all fantastic individuals and Robotic Hat goody-bags would be winging their way to your houses, if I had any goody-bags, or the inclination to make some.
The only thing to decide is what to call you. Hatheads? Robotoids? Robotichattites? So many choices. All of them terrible.

Gingerbread Grail Links

2006-02-10T04:47:00.000-08:00

Anticipate an imminent recap of The Gingerbread Grail, my deliberately shoddy Interactive Conspiracy Thriller, and then some more chapters with an exciting new direction. As opposed to the previous direction, which was 'sideways'.
Here's links to the previous chapters.
Trailer
Chapter 1 Part A
Trailer 2
Chapter 1 Part B
Chapter 2 Part A
Trailer 3
Something seemingly unrelated about microwaves that is in fact vitally important to the story
Chapter 2 Part B
Chapter 3 Part A
Trailer 4

Note: Lines are now closed on Chapters 1, 2 and 3.

Great Ideas That Might Almost Work

2006-02-03T09:00:00.000-08:00

1) Football Karaoke. You put videos of classic football matches on and people provide their own commentary.

2)Screenings of childrens' films in which kids are banned. Watch the latest pixar flick without the irritation of screaming, crying or getting popcorn in your ears.

3)Nature Karaoke. You put on videos of wildlife, people provide their own whispery David Attenborough style narration.

4)Travel jazz. Making a long night time car journey? Why not hire a jazz professional to sit in the passenger seat and play mellow grooves?

5)Film Noir Karaoke. Put on an old black and white detective film, get people to do their own gritty voiceover.

You're Not Thinking 4th-Dimensionally...

2006-01-29T07:34:00.000-08:00

BBC1's time-travel crime drama is so brilliant. But that's enough about Crime Traveller, what's Life On Mars like?
It's a surprisingly involving, well-written and directed piece of (whisper it) Science Fiction. It could so easily have been a horrifying amalgam of Good Night Sweetheart and That Seventies Show. It avoids that for a number of reasons, including, but not limited to;

1)Good writing. Tackling cultural differences between the time periods without erring on the side of either needlessly 'gritty' realism or campy 'remember Spangles' nostalgia was always going to be tricky, but so far they've managed it. At first I was afraid it would be putting big emphasis on how police officers are hamstrung by procedure now but were freer then ,but in fact the Seventies is coming off a lot worse in comparison, without being vilified. The third episode managed to combine CSI style procedural, tense gun-play, tape recorder comedy, and a commentary on the industrial decline of seventies Manchester.

2) Back To The Future references. Come on, when he's initially gone back, and he sees the billboard announcing the new bypass, all it needed was John Simms to be wearing an eighties inflatable style jacket.

3)Characters. John Simms' DCI is a likeable, passionate 21st Century man. Most cop shows have some kind of quirky maverick character, but Tyler's quirkiness comes from the fact that he's stranded in the past and thinks he's hallucinating, making the other characters seemingly view him as some kind of insane genius well-ahead of his time.

4) The Test Card Girl comes to him in his sleep and hassles him to compliment her clown. You have no idea how much I enjoyed typing that sentence.

Grow

2006-01-29T05:17:00.000-08:00

After complaining about things that irk me I've decided to write about 5, no, 6 things that are just great.
I've never been particularly interested in gardening, beyond my use of a 'grow your own venus flytrap' kit when I was 8, hampered by the realisation after 6 weeks that they'd failed to include the seeds.
I want instant results and that's why I love the Grow series of games from Eyezmaze. They obey their own twisted dreamlike logic. I find it very difficult to critique them. They're essentially short-lived order puzzles, but have such charm and beautiful design that it hardly matters.

Grow- Original flavour

Grow RPG- Sword and Saucery

Grow Cube- Hidden Dragon

Grow Ornament- A Christmas Treat

Nothing To Do With The Age Of Aquarius

2006-01-20T14:45:00.000-08:00

I still enjoy visiting theme parks. There's something about the lurid, slightly tacky artificiality of it all that gives me goosebumps, like maple 'flavoured' syrup.
As a child my favourite ride was The 5th Dimension. It wasn't a roller-coaster but was instead a 'dark ride', an experience, in which you were shrunk down, sent into a television and threatened by a variety of stiffly moving science-fiction villains. Then you collectively fired lasers at some kind of evil monster.
I'm delighted to find that there's a website. Less delighted to find that the ride was in fact a big failure, and the makers of it felt it was 'unrealistic'. I found it totally convincing, even scary. But then I was a weird child. It even turns out that Douglas Adams contributed something to the script, although no-one, including Adams, seemed to know what that was. Anyway, go to the site and try to channel my kinder-joy.
Of course the ride that replaced it, Terror Tomb, was weird for entirely different reasons...

Don't Do That...

2006-01-16T16:35:00.000-08:00

1)If you’re strapped for a way to start a film, television show or novel, don’t go to the dictionary, look up the subject, and then just print the entry. That’s just… so slovenly it makes me want to barbecue your possessions.

2)If you want to promote a show, or a season of shows, or anything, don’t put together a trailer of clips where it seems like the characters are answering a question you posed in voiceover form.

3)If you want to make a character seem ‘cool’, don’t do the ‘slow-motion punctuated by a brief flurry of fast-motion in the middle’ camera trick, as used in Fight Club, and then everything else on this planet. It’s morphing. It’s bullet-time. It’s dead in the water and scaring the fish.

4)The phrase ‘End of.’ Just…just don’t. I’m begging you.

5)If you want to fill some dead air, don’t just get together a group of comedians and get them to moan about current events or little things that get on their nerves.
No-one wants to hear a list of someone’s pet gripes.

Christmas-Bot e-card

2006-01-09T08:49:00.000-08:00

For those who might be interested, this was my Christmas E-Card. Click on it to make it more legible, but not any funnier.

'Tis the season to shoehorn some kind of festive reference into the heading of this post

2006-01-09T08:28:00.000-08:00

It's traditional over Christmas to consume a great deal of matter that's extremely bad for you and leaves you feeling bloated and sick, be it food, drink, or television, and this year that's exactly what I did. The only programme that earned any merit was the extremely silly Dr. Who Christmas Special, which managed to somehow combine killer Santas, Iraq War criticism, sword-fighting, Douglas Adams references and Penelope Wilton as the Prime Minister, and make it work. Just.
So instead of reviewing the real programmes I decided to invent some and review those instead.
Here.
(Thanks to Lee for the lovely magazine design.)

2006 Predictions

2006-01-02T13:27:00.000-08:00

-Gay Marriages will be followed by Gay Christenings, Gay Harvest Festivals and Gay Easter. Pentecost will remain merely Bi-Curious.

-To save money and create jobs, the government will remove all CCTV and speed cameras and instead assign everyone in the UK a person to watch them 24 hours a day. The Special Stalking Service or 'Triple S' will be mainly populated by Care In The Community patients and the elderly.

-Tigers, Lions, Leopards etc will all be collectively re-named 'X-Treme Cats'.

-Then, in March, Scientists in Toronto will successfully create a tiny black hole, into which our entire solar system will instantly implode.

- That's pretty much it. Have a good few months, everyone!

Badger To The Bone

2005-12-06T07:47:00.000-08:00

The saga continues as I struggle to condense the intense essence of 'Badger Badger Badger' into a mere 125 minute script.
Follow it here.
And look, Badger Zombies,Footballers and...Elves?

Meanwhile, in a parallel universe...

2005-12-02T03:59:00.000-08:00

The get-together of former Doctor Whos was going swimmingly.

Writing Remystified Part 2

2005-11-25T17:26:00.000-08:00

In the second part of my serialised attempt to sabotage the efforts of any potential rivals in the animation writing game, I’m going to talk about the pink-cheeked basics of plot construction.
Back in the seventies, when television animation really put on it’s game face, Stories were put together using the formulaic but primitively satisfying Three Act Structure:

Act 1- Situation arises.
Act 2- By trying to deal with situation, character or characters complicate it.
Act 3- Situation resolved, everyone’s happy. Glowing star spins round and goes ping.

The only exception was Scooby Doo, which created a 4 act structure by adding:

Act 2½- The characters run in and out of a series of parallel doors in a corridor.

Of course, the seventies was literally a great deal of minutes ago, and any modern animation writer worth his or preferably her salt will use the Nine Act Structure, which breaks down thiswise:

Act 1- Situation arises.
Act 2- By trying to deal with situation, character or characters end up legally responsible for a sick orphan.
Act 3- Another, remarkably similar situation arises, then is quickly solved. By wolves.
Act 4- Characters return to their place of birth to consider what brought them to this point. They are sold some kind of hot pie from a cart (flavour chosen by writer) and realise vendor is old family member.
Act 5- Dream sequence or interview with sweatshop workers who painted the series backgrounds.
Act 6- A corpse is found. The pattern on its tie provides a clue to the mystery. If there is no mystery, the corpse is just rolled into a canal and the next three acts have to be much longer.
Act 7- Dancing bear. Or Dancing, bare.
Act 8- The secret act. Audience will retain no memory of the horrors that lurk within. This is why most animation episodes seemingly last 22 minutes.
Act 9-Situation resolved, everyone’s happy. And then, right, this hand bursts out of the grave, and you’re like, I thought she was dead! Whoa.

Stick to this formula and you’ll, well, I can’t even be bothered to finish this sentence.

Failed Sitcom Ideas

2005-11-25T17:25:00.000-08:00

THE SPIKE-LEE LADS
Two young men from Liverpool who love Spike Lee films wander around moaning about the fact that it's difficult to get hold of his films. This week's episode: They've taped Do The Right Thing off the telly, but everyone seems to be talking about the ending. Can they successfully avoid the... oh sod it.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE SPIKE-LEE LADS?
It got cancelled after one episode. That's what.

TOE AND STEPSON
The hilarious adventures of a living toe (brought to life in some bizarre experiment) and the ungrateful social climbing son he's adopted to help him run his flagging rag-and-bone business, due to his lack of limbs.

TOPICOM
The hilarious new topical sitcom, which takes stock sitcom plotlines and bolts on topical references 30 minutes before broadcast. This week: Ariel Sharon's staff are trying to hold a surprise party for him: Will he find out about all the late-night binge drinkers they've invited?

Alan Gilbey- Cockney Rebel

2005-11-23T19:03:00.000-08:00

I was trained in the macho, bowie knife wielding art of animation script-writing by two geniuses of the art, David M Freedman and Alan No Middle Initial That I Know Of Gilbey.
Alan is an absolute master of characterisation, story construction, and impressions of the singers in the stage musical of The Lion King. I learnt a huge variety of narrative tricks from him, and two of the three jokes I recycle from script to script. He now teaches exactly the same things to other students of animation, increasing my potential competition even after I asked him not to.
Alan also gives a brilliant tour of Spitalfields on the first two Sundays of every month, although he stops from November to March because it’s very very cold indeed. He now has a fantastic website that’s filled with interesting funny things, and a really disturbing picture that will haunt me until the end of time, as I plan to live that long using chemicals.

Brighton Comic Expose

2005-11-21T16:18:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went to the Brighton Comic Expo. There, I said it. It was a show of support for the lads at Weebl’s Stuff.
Here are my 5 nerdiest activities.

1)Entering the expo itself.

2) Standing and reading comic genius Bryan Talbot’s latest, as yet unprinted comic from a folder on his table, as he sat there. I was, however, with a friend, and I gave up before he did.

3) Having an argument about who would win in a fight between Fido Dido and Cool Spot.

4) Chatting to a pair of men promoting a printers just so that I could get a free packet of tic-tacs. Is that nerdy or do I just love tiny white lozenge-shaped objects?

5) Knowing SFX writer Nick Setchfield by sight, despite having never met him.

Trip Hazard- Weirdnaut

2005-11-21T14:08:00.000-08:00

When faced with weirdness that makes average minds shrivel like a crisp packet in an oven, HM Gov call in Trip Hazard, a man whose brain has been bio-engineered to a heightened level of Super-Sanity. For Trip the really bizarre and horrfyingly freakish is a walk in a mundane park.
In this week’s episode, Trip has just ridden an electrified Aqua-Donkey to Colonel Zash Melator’s subterranean Octolair. On his arrival he is subdued by a gang of alien zombies dressed like Morris Dancers and brought before the cackling ex-military despot.
Melator strode back and forth across the ductile impregnanium surface of his Octolair’s main bridge. His Komodo dragon-skin boots struck sparks with every step.
“Once again you barge into my carefully clock-worked plans like a choc-ice salesman at an auto-da-fe. But no more!”
Trip Hazard struggled against the dead-extra-terrestrial’s creaky grip. If he could just press their limb release catches he could back-flip into the nearby mechano-lobster transport craft’s velour cockpit and pilot it into the facility’s radioactive core.
Melator continued his monologue.
“For years I’ve beset you with voodoo nutcracker soldiers, super-intelligent pieces of black-forest gateaux, and there was that one time when I gave a pig drills for arms and put him in your gymnasium. All attempts to crack the supports of your much-vaunted Super-Sanity! But now I realise where I was going wrong… Take a squizz… at THIS!”
Melator suddenly reached into his holographic cloak and pulled out a small ceramic object.Trip Hazard’s mighty cortex wriggled within his skull.
“That’s… what is that?”
“It is… a teapot! I thought we might have some tea. And cake.”
“Wh…wh…”
The seven special lobes in Trip Hazard’s brain began cooling down at a rapid rate. His comprehension smudged.
“Wh…what…”
“And then I thought we could watch The Bill together.”
Trip Hazard began to sag in the alien zombies’ arms. Melator clapped his hands together in glee.
“As I thought! Your super-brain, specially overclocked to cope with weirdness, begins to shut down when confronted with the normal and mundane! My plan works!”
Trip Hazard perked up a little.
“An evil plan?”
“No…no, a very boring and mundane plan. Like the business plan for a small haberdashers.”
Trip’s brain was close to total shutdown. What now?

NPC Of Note

2005-11-20T21:13:00.000-08:00

They're the background artistes of the computer games world, designed to inform, entertain, and often annoy, and every now and then I'll choose one Non Player Character and put them on a poorly bitmapped pedestal!
This week this newly minted honour goes to:
Private Lloyd!

Game: Deus Ex
Job: Reception desk gimp at UNATCO Headquarters, NY
Purpose: To provide adaptive feedback to make you feel like your actions make a difference in how people react to you.
Actual purpose: To sit and stare baffled as you drink his soda, smash the reception's sofa to smithereens then throw a trophy at his head repeatedly.
Reason for winning award: While all the identical UNATCO soldiers in Deus Ex are glad to speak to you and offer their opinions, Private Lloyd gets special kudos because he knew you at The Academy. Or at least saw you walking by his room once. Yes, Lloyd loves to talk about the academy. It's where he learnt how to sit at a desk and watch uncomprehendingly as you trash the joint. Even smashing his chair will cause him to just stand up, maybe take a stroll.
Let's face it, Private Lloyd is a desperate social limpet who clings to the idea he has a role to play in your life. As you sweep past him his comments are a desperate attempt to be part of your world. Sadly there’s no option to sweep him up in your arms and plant a big wet one on him. Although I haven’t played the sequel…

Move's over, darling

2005-11-18T05:02:00.000-08:00

Well, I moved at the weekend, to a house that's much more spacious but has numerous psychological problems it needs to get past. I only just got the internet up today.
Next week will be a week of many posts. And the posts will be fantastic. They will scorch your eyes with their brilliance. Scorch.

Badger Of Honour

2005-11-08T08:50:00.000-08:00

And it is, indeed, an honour, to be chosen to write the script for the upcoming feature-length live-action film adaptation of this popular animation:

Badgers

Follow the development here.

Who do you think should play the snake?

Anthroapology.

2005-11-03T16:07:00.000-08:00

Terribly sorry about the lack of updates this week. A nasty, unidentified wintery virus has invaded my body and sapped my will to talk complete rubbish about films and pancakes. The next edition of The Gingerbread Grail is sneaking towards completion, as well as the second part of 'Writing Remystified' and some deliciously witty musings about screaming in public.
Patience, my pets.

Trailer...

2005-10-30T13:08:00.000-08:00

A centuries-old prophecy.
A secret society.
A desperate race against time.
An ancient secret.
An earth shattering revelation.
An insoluble mystery.
A deadly assassin.
An unimaginable device.
An extraordinary book.
A man caught in a web of deceit.
An even more ancienter secret.
A woman caught in the same web of deceit.
An inescapable prison.
A passing dog accidentally caught in the aforementioned web of deceit.
A hidden link between famous historical figures.
Full frontal nudity.
The next part of The Gingerbread Grail.
Soon.

When brilliant scenes happen to so-so films

2005-10-27T13:32:00.000-07:00

The film: Toys
The scene:'How do you feel?'
So Leslie Zevo and his sister need to break into the toy factory that's been taken over by his psychotic Ex-Army uncle. The only problem is the CCTV surveillance. What's the answer? Ninja outfits? Divert the video feed to a loop tape of an empty corridor? Get real!
What the situation clearly demands is secretly relabelling the surveillance screen 'MTV' and staging an elaborate, Magritte influenced art-punk music video in the corridor.

"Memories of things that never happened
these are always the hardest to forget
all the old friends and the loved ones
these are the people you haven't even met
looking forward into the old days
looking back at what there will be
there's no reality it's just an illusion
there's no real sanity just plain confusion."

This really has to be seen to be appreciated. So go and watch it.

Gremlinhood

2005-10-26T16:11:00.000-07:00

Gremlins is about being a first-time parent. Really.
Gizmo the Mogwai represents all the good things about having a child. He’s cute and talented, a quick learner, sings sweet little tunes to himself and is covered in thick, all-over body hair.
However he comes with a whole series of seemingly illogical, annoying rules, much like a newborn. No light, no water, don’t feed after midnight.
They break the water rule and are suddenly surrounded by more Mogwais. When you have a kid you’re suddenly moving with other new parents and before you know it you’re surrounded by kids, none of which are as cute as yours, just like the new Mogwais.
Then they break the feeding rule and the Gremlins arrive from sticky, slimy cocoons that are resonant of the body horror of birth. Yes, I know it’s not following in strict chronological order, it’s artistic…
The Gremlins represent the less palatable side of parenthood. They’re violent and disruptive, hyperactive, nasty and snotty and just as quick to learn as Mogwais, but with a negative impact. Then they start smoking and wielding guns. Teenagers.
The film ends with the destruction of the Gremlins, leaving only Gizmo. Does this represent the return to docile infanthood that comes with old age? Or did it just make for a more dramatic denouement?
Yeah, the latter.
I should point out I don't actually have a child.
Next week Gremlins 2: The post-colonial reading.

The Gingerbread Grail- Chapter 3

2005-10-24T08:03:00.000-07:00

Greene moved quickly towards the light. He smiled at the seated man, projecting an irreproachable air of calm and genuine warmth.
“How can I help?”
“You can help by having, by, by bringing me the scotch I ordered 20 minutes ago!”, the man barked. His face was the colour of spoiled ham, with huge pores like the holes in a shower head. He already had several scotches under his belt, although Greene was amazed there was room.
Greene’s smile was one that an elderly man might bring out for the arrival of a friend he hadn’t seen for 20 years. It spoke of brotherly love and endless feeling. It bounced off the man’s prickly demeanour with no effect. He was clearly used to bullying his way through life, shouting and intimidating anything directly in the way of all his desires. That’s how he became the famous implementer of the Hythe beach pebble recycling programme.
“I’m really sorry sir, I’ll get you your drink immediately.”
Greene moved down the aisle towards the galley at the back of the plane. The drunken fool hadn’t ordered a scotch at any point, but when you sit in first class the very laws of time and space bowed to your mighty wallet. He heard the man mumble obscene personal insults under his breath, but just within earshot, intended to be heard.
His left forearm started to itch uncontrollably. Finally. He excused himself and locked himself in the airplane bathroom. Then with a shaking hand he carefully rolled up his left sleeve and examined the area.
Thousands of tiny marks, intricately patterned freckles, had now appeared on his arm. He ran through a series of quick calculations in his head, evoked a few unusual ciphers. Cracked an entirely different smile, like a knife wound with teeth.
St James Garlickhithe. Why did he always seem to be killing people in Churches? At least presumably their soul got a nice quick transit in whichever direction it was going.
He wouldn’t have long after he landed. No time to rest or prepare. He’d have to improvise. This pleased him.
He was less than pleased by who would accompany him.
Who would accompany him? This time, I want you to come up with a partner for Greene. You choose the gender, appearance, name, history, personal hygiene and facial hair of this pivotal character! How many stories allow you to do that? Well, several, but none contain as much BRAIN-CHURNING EXCITEMENT as this one. You know this because I said so. In capital letters.
And for an extra thrill, you choose which genre the next chapter is written in. That’s right! Force me to churn out a dubious romantic subplot, or introduce a western flavour, or, hell, anything you like. Mail me your suggestions at the link on the right, or just put them in the comments box.
Pull the strings!

The Gingerbread Grail- Chapter 2 Concluded

2005-10-23T09:10:00.000-07:00

Inside, to his amazement, was…
Nothing. The drawer was empty. That rattled his brain-cage. Julian had definitely dropped something in here. He ran his hand along the inside to see if he could find some kind of secret compartment or concealed ceramic lever. He lifted up the drawer lining but couldn’t see anything strange.

The lining.It was an archaic looking floral pattern, a funeral parlour cutting, but as the only object in the drawer David was Occam’sed into examining it. Maybe if he held it under an ultra-violet light, or rubbed a sliced parsnip against it…
Suddenly out of the corner of his vision he saw it. Floating just in his line of sight.
It was a Magic Eye picture of a poodle. And not just any poodle…
The applause of a toilet flush sounded nearby and in a flourish David slipped the lining back in, shut the drawer, and practically barrel rolled through his tiny tunnel back to his own desk.
A couple of minutes later Julian came by, his industrial-sized Kevlar backpack monted on his broad-shoulders. Wordlessly they both made their way to the door.
Passing the vending machine David stopped and inserted a couple of pound coins. What would be most useful? Medium sized forceps? A pre-sterilized scalpel? Any number of hufnagels? In the end he decided to buy an NIH style neuro-punch and some towels, tucking them in his inside pocket. He didn’t know if he’d have to use it but he’d feel more secure with some obscure medical equipment cuddling up to his ribs.
They left the cabin just in time to see the bus to the station arrive at the stop, 50 feet down the slope of the mountain. They both broke into a swift run and just managed to make it inside.
Claiming two seats at the back, Julian shifted his rucksack onto his lap and entering the 12 digit code opened the side compartment, pulling out a small stack of note-cards.
“A little public speaking, perhaps?” he ventured.
“Thought you’d never ask.” Said David, and, securing a ropeline to the nearest chair, stood up and prepared to introduce Julian to the lucky bus-travellers.

Drawer Lining Design provided by The Inspiration Gallery.